cut[Warning: This is from an RP and this is something of an AU fic, so don't get pissed if your favorite character isn't the hero.  It's  most likely you fave character isn't in this fic.  Consider this a spin off of DragonBall Z.  This is also something of a comedy, so don't expect a realistic coherence.  *Flashes "Artistic Lisence"*]


 Once upon a time, in a far away land and time (I like to call it RPville), there lived a very strong and pretty Saiyan warrior.  She was of the Elite Soldiers by birth and searched the entire galaxy, with her third class partner Okara, for the Saiyan Prince.  Now their home planet Vegetasei was pretty much destroyed by Frieza, the transexual blunder of nature.  The Prince was the last of the Saiyan males left in the universe.
 Okara detected the strong sense of the Prince as they traveled through the "White Hall" which is known as the "Milky Way Galaxy" to you poor dopes.  Anyway, there was a stronger sense of him as they neared a small solar system and stronger still on a small blue marble of a planet, called "Earth".  Well, the two warriors landed on Earth only to discover that their wonderous Prince already had a life-mate.  Onarin, not to be outdone by a human, killed his mate, but soon realized that mighty Princes aren't too happy when you kill their mates.  So she summoned Shenlong and asked the dragon for his mates' life.  The wish fulfilled, Onarin and Okara parted ways.. on more than bitter terms.
 This brings us to the start of our story.  A lone female warrior feeling totally defeated.  And as all good anime characters do, when one feels the slightest bit unhappy they reach straight for the bottle.

Chapter 1:
"Onarin and the Elf-guy" or "Love Blooms for Freaks"

 Onarin was in a bar drinking herself into a stupor and cursing Frieza and his androgynous race for even existing.  Meanwhile, in a dark doorway, a mysterious figure appeared.  He had long white hair and for some odd reason a Capsule Corp. jacket and Tapion's sword.  He drew closer to her and shook his head.  "Excuse me mo...uh, miss?"
"Whaa?" she focased her eyes on the stranger and tried to think coherently despite the six beers.  "Look, I don't go for kids your age.  Besides, there's a little something called statutory rape."
The young man shuddered.  "No.  I've come to help you find a mate, mothe.... uh, Lady."
"Look, if you're from some male escort service, I don't have any money."
He sighed.  "Look just take this." He handed her a red booklet.
She took the book and eyed it suspiciously.  "You're not from some cult are you?"
"Oh."  Having said that she promptly fell out of her barstool and onto the ground facing forward.
"Are you okay?"
"Well I need you to read that.  I'm serious, mom, it affects the future."  His eyes widened.  "Crap!  I just said..."  He began to stammer incoherently.  "Now everything will be screwed up!!"  He raced out the door and into the street.

The next day, Onarin awoke with a slight headache.  "Damn Earth booze," she muttered.  "It has such annoying side effects."  She was laying in a makeshift home/cave.  The walls were grand and cavernous, as caves usually are.  She felt a slight hard lump in her back pants pocket.  "God, I think my tail fell asleep again."  But when she reached behind she discovered the red book.   "What the?"  Then everything fell into place.  "Oh yes, now I remember,  there was this mysterious boy with long white hair and a voice like an angel,  and he handed me this book.  Then a large pink elephant asked me if I needed a ride home, then I said, 'Got any room in your trunk?' and then he just looked at me funny.  Then three faeries asked me if I wanted faerie juice, but I grabbed them and ate them.  Then I stumbled all the way here."  She opened the small book.  "Heheh, a little troll-thing probably made it.  It's so small."  The she looked around nervously. "Why am I talking to myself?"
Onarin read the text which was something of an intergalaxy passport.  It was from a place called Makyo.  There was a little ship drivers license with the name Garlic Jr stamped into it and a picture of an imp-ish face besides.  "Wow."  She squinted at the picture.  "Who is this Garlic Jr?"  She read the text further to decide.
"Name: Garlic Jr
Race: Makyo-jin
Home Planet: Makyo
Blood/Plasma type: O-
Likes: the ladies, rocks, revenge
Dislikes: 'The Dead Zone', Goku, Gohan"
"Well that wasn't much help."  But as she read further she found a small newspaper clipping:
"Earth Almost Destroyed!  Elaborate Hoax?
On the day of March 22, several people awoke to find themselves in oddly destructive situations.  Besides the usual cops beating minorities, there were nuns defacing church walls and other distructive behavior."  She skimmed further. "One young child, we will call him 'Sun Gohen' to protect his identity, claims that it was all started by an evil elf by the name of Garlic Jr.  This malicious being was supposedly sent into one 'Dead Zone' by the over zealous youth.  Gohen also claims that this being had the ability to live forever.  Currently authorities are suspecting the boy of covering up some scam..."
"Wow," she sneered.  "A guy that powerful could be of some use."
On a cliff somewhere....
Onarin was waiting on the mountain top.  "Now according to this book, all I have to do is dress like a small kid and act brave despite all odds."  She took a tough stance.  She was dressed in a purple gi similar to Piccolo's and Gohan's.  She read the book further, "'Now raise your hand and use your power to open up the portal to the dead zone.'   Okay."  She raised her hand and threw a ki blast into the air.  Suddenly and for no reason, just like Gohan did, a portal opened.  Seconds later a small figure was hurled out of the portal and the portal sealed shut.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!" it screamed as it flew across the sky and hit a tree with a loud thud.
"Wow, that's gonna leave a mark." Onarin winced at the sight.  The small figure stumbled towards Onarin and collapsed near her.  "Uh, little green thing?  Wake up."
"My name is Garlic Jr."  He slowly began to move.  "Why did you summon me from the Dead Zone?  I was in the middle of writing my autobiography.  It's called 'Everything Elf'."
Onarin yawned.  "Wow that sounds interesting."
Garlic Jr got up and dusted himself off.  "So I guess I have to grant you a wish and lead you to my pot of gold."
Onarin was thumbing through the book again.  "Huh?  What did you say?"
"Nevermind.  It's not important."
The thoughts began to sink into Onarins brain.  "I summoned you because I need someone to help me plan a comeback."
"A comeback?"
"Yeah.  See, I need to exact revenge on a certain Saiyan Prince."
Garlic Jr sighed, "Been there, done that."
"I've tried the whole 'Revenge' thing, and let me tell you, honey, it ain't worth it.  Especially with all those Saiyans crawling all over this planet."
"I'm a Saiyan."  Her tail unwrapped from her waist and sung about.
"Yeah, I was going to comment on what a tacky belt that was."
"So you're not going to help me with my revenge?"
"Well, I've sort of become a pacifist since all those years in 'The Dead Zone'."
Onarin growled, "But your brochure said that you could do 'revenge'!"
"Where did you get my wallet?!"  Garlic Jr grabbed the red book out of her hand.  He sifted through the pictures and clippings.  "Are you some sort of stalker?"
Onarin stood mouth agape.  "What are you implying?  That I'm some sort of fan?  I'm sorry but this isn't 'Misery' and I could care less what you do with yourself."
"Well thanks for my wallet.  I was wondering where that went."
"Some kid gave it to me.  Come to think of it he sort of looked like you."
"Hmm.. that's a nice story and all, but I've got a craving for Oreo fillings."  Garlic Jr walked off to a nearby town leaving Onarin atop the cliff in utter disbelief.
Onarin scowered several super markets.  Finally she found the small elf in aisle 5 near the chips and cookies with a bag of Oreos.
He had been snacking for quite some time and his face was covered in chocolate crumbs.  "What do you want."
"Hey I summoned you.  Don't I, like, own you?"
"Well lets go.  I'll buy you all the cookies you want."  She grabbed two bags of Oreos as she spoke.  "You've got crumbs on your face."
"So, now that I have a pacifist elf, what do I do with you?"  She eyed him warily.  He was sitting on a rock in the cave.  He ate most of the cookies, but stopped once Onarin told him how much the "Stuf" looked like Crisco Shortening.
"I don't know."  He was staring at her tail.  It was hypnotic sometimes.  It suited her.
"So, you have an elf family?"
"No.  I had a dad.  That's how I got into the revenge thing."
"Yep.  Revenge."
The room was silent and it was annoyingly so.  Then Onarin asked the stupidest question.
"Do you think you'd date out of your race? Like a Saiyan?"
Garlic Jr started coughing- a lot.  "So, nice cave."
"You didn't answer my question!"  Apparently Onarin was offended by his reaction.
"Hey there's nothing wrong with Saiyan women!  We're very loyal and strong.  And we're stronger than most other races."
"Jeez, you're starting to sound like Hitler."
"I bet once you date a Saiyan you won't go back to Makyo... whatever you are."
"Well I can't, genius, they're all dead."
"Oh."  Onarin had managed to crecendo and then deflate the conversation within the space of one minute.  "I'm sorry to hear that, Garlic."
"You never told me your name."
"My name is Onarin."

"And Onarin begot a son... and it was good"

Now even I don't know how it happened.  Some sort of miracle occured.  And the Grinch-hearts in both of them grew.  Yes, they ended up getting married.  Don't ask me how it happened.  Lets just pretend this is like the rest of Akira Toriyama's work and huge chunks of the character's lives are going to be avoided.  So Onarin had Garlic Jr's first son.  His name was Zied.
Zied was a handsome youth with silver-white hair that mocked his mother's coal black hair.  He also inherited his fathers freakish ears.  He was however the pride and joy of the Onarin and Garlic Jr.  Okay, well more pride to Onarin since Saiyans have egos the size of Pangea.  They lived in a better home now.  It was a castle atop the very cliff Onarin summoned Garlic Jr.   Onarin and Garlic Jr had raised a rock garden and sold off the rocks for a huge profit, thus they bought a better home and grew a rock farm.
Zied lived a carefree and humble life.  He was a good boy.  And he was, at this point of the story, wandering through some forests the family owned.
Zied carried a nice large sword he stole from Trunks.  Yes, it seems the Elf-Saiyan hybrid is a wee bit more powerful than the Earthling-Saiyan variety.  So he was frolicking...
"I don't frolick."
Frolick, damn you!
"Okay."  Zied frolicked.  "Gee, I love this forest (frolick).  I love the smell of a new spring.  It's my sixteenth birthday, you know (frolick)."  He stopped momentarily.  "Who am I talking to?"  He was talking to his friends the woodland creatures.  "Oh yeah, the woodland creatures (frolick)!"  The woodland creatures listened.  "Mom is pregnant, you know."  He stopped again.
"Hey, this third person limited POV isn't working!"
Shut up and explain the story.
"Okay, as I was saying..."
He continued on about his life and then broke into a Broadway Musical that we won't insert here, for fear of copyright infringement.
"Hello?"  A pretty young girl about Zieds age stepped into the clearing before him.
"Hi."  Zied had never seen a girl besides his mother and his teenaged hormones were working on overdrive.  "Who are you?  What are you doing here?"
"Hi I'm your love interest for the story."  She looked away and blushed.
"My what?" He was blushing as well.
"I mean," she stuttered, "my name is Kerra.  I was just wandering through this lovely forest.  I was sort of, and conveniently, kicked out of my home."
"You know I own this forest." He grinned.
"Wow.  You must be loaded."
He nodded in agreement.  Then a tiny lightbulb went off in his head.  "Want to stay at my house for a while?"
"Wow really?!"
"Let's go!" And he took her hand and ran off into the forest.
Meanwhile, nearby...
"Why that little hussy!!  Taking advantage of my son!"  Onarin was crouched behind a tree spying on the pair.  "I'm going home to tell Garlic!"
"I love your home, Zied."  She smiled and looked pretty.
"Yeah.  Tell me more about yourself."  Zied concentrated on her beautiful green eyes.
"Okay:  I am the daughter of Radditz.  I am half-Saiyan.  Radditz made it with a human.  Too bad she was my mom.  We lived in a trailer near West Capital.  She kicked me out on an episode of Jerry Springer when her new boyfriend didn't like me.  Then I wandered into your nice little forest."
"Wow. Nice backstory."
He smiled, "I'm half-Saiyan too."
"Great!!  Maybe we can have a full Saiyan kid or full Earthling!!"
He frowned.  "No, I'm half-Saiyan and half-Makyo elf."
"What the hell is a Makyo elf?"
He shrugged.  "I dunno, my dad is really freakish looking, though."
She started giggling in that annoying way flirty girls do.  "Well I like that elfish part of you too!"
"Mendel would have a field day with us hybrids," was the last thing he said before she zeroed in on his lips and kissed him.  She was a minx alright and Onarin knew it.
"Garlic!!!  Our son is being stolen by some girl he met in the forest."
Garlic Jr was tending the rock crops.  "Hmm, that's nice, dear."
Onarin was fuming.  "You don't understand!  She wants him for his money!"
"Could it possibly be the extremely good looks he inherited from his mother?"
"Damn you, Garlic!  You speak the truth!"  She looked in a small hand mirror.  "But I think it's more than that.  He's at that age.  She's the first little hot toddy he sees.  Male Hormones... etc.!"  She knew she didn't have to elaborate.
"Cool it before you turn into Chichi."  He inspected a specimen of granite.
"You're always right..." She grimaced.  "I hate it when you're right!"
"The limestone looks good this year."  He put down the rock and patted her full potruding belly.  "I think you're hormones are working on overdrive, too."  He laughed.  "I wonder if you'll be as protective for our little boy, Kokuei, there."
She sighed impatiently.  "It's not my hormones, and it'll be a girl.  I'm going to call her Ulrike."
Garlic Jr frowned.  "Lets hope it's a boy, for the sake of the name alone."
"Yes, an unpronouncable name that will probably get his ass kicked in school would be a good choice."  She stalked off angrily to the home.
As she entered the house she found the two teenagers in lip lock.  "ZIED!!!"
She obviously startled the hell out of him.  "MOM!"  He released Kerra from their embrace and backed away.
"Just exactly what were you doing, young man?"  She asked with her arms akimbo.
"I... I..." he stuttered incoherently for a while.
"Hello, Zied's mom.  We were just engaged in a little make-out session.  Nothing to get too concerned about."  Kerra smiled and batted her eyes at Onarin in that oh-so-innocent look.
Onarin frowned.  "Well.  I guess this is it."  She handed Zied a small stone.  "Take this, son, and enjoy life with your harlot girlfriend."
Zied took the Stone of Uncomfortable Situations and smiled weakly.  "Thank you, mother."
Kerra looked at the stone.  "Whaaas dat?"
"This is the Stone of Uncomfortable Situations.  It has been passed down to each couple since my father first found it.  It means she blesses us."  Zied held the translucent stone to the light.
"Now on with the traditional Brow Beating."  She scowled at Zied.  "I've always found you so damn annoying, you never knew what I was trying to tell you..."  Just then another miracle happened.  Onarin went into labor.